Aimee-isms

Another Year Older

2009-03-10T19:28:00.001-07:00

Nothing to report

Keeping busier then normal

but nothing to report.

Around this Time.....

2008-10-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's around this time......
When the leaves are begining to change, the air gets a crisp bit to it, people begin to wear more browns and maroons. That I begin to miss Sharon.

This was her month. As soon as the Topsfield Fair put out the tents she's be there. Her house was amazing at October, with huge pumkins, ghouls and cobwebs. The smell of the farm not to far off. Her famous beef stew cooking on the stove. It was her time to shine, Summer was over, which mean all Ice Cream would be packed away for next year, Spring was just a dream away with its deadly strawberries. It was Fall where she could have time to knit, read a book or just go to her spin class without worrying about what was happing at the shop. She could go to her Fall craft fairs.

But most of all she visit me.

There's something about the fact that Salem does Ocotber right, that just makes me miss her every time. I would awalys get a card with Tick Or Treat written on the front. I would look forward to the Vients going to Maine, but when I got back to the real world, it was all about the care package, full of candy and warm wishes. If she needed a break or just wanted to see me she would visit, with apple cider.

I miss her, and it gets harder every year.

The thing about Depression

2008-08-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing that gets me with depression

I have been doing the right things, eating better, talking to the right people, I have even gone has far has taking the right herb pills and teas to help my mood. That regardless of what is really happening this summer has been better then the rest. I may not have alot of money and I am still going from paycheck to paycheck, but the fact that since school has come out I have only had 2 bad days. Today being one of them.

What I don't like is that it no longer comes in slowly, where I used to be able to work around the sad feeling creeping in, sleep alittle bit more and watch movies. Most likely skipping school in the process. But now, it hits like a ton of stones, or a huge wave, something I can't ignore nor fix. I have to try to wait it out, see if I come out better once everything has pasted.

Today I asked to leave work early, because I couldn't fact being happy, my back started hurting, and I just haven't been hungery. I did try to hang with my room mates, but even that seemed more like a chore then some fun trip. Then I panic about something small and stupid, walk to the school for the internet and find out all that fear was for nothing.

I'm hurting.........tommarrow will be like today never happened, and I will go on, hoping this won't happening again.

But the sick part is, I like being sad.........I LIKE CRYING MY SELF TO SLEEP. I hate having to put on this fucking front, of holding all this bullshit in. So at least it feels when I'm drowning in this storm, I have the idea that I'm not gone.....I'm still here.......and I still have feelings.

At least it's one hard day.........tomarrow is something new

just wish it didnt hurt so much

YAY PARKING LOT!!

2008-08-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

So because I can't steal the internet anymore, which is very upsetting I have come to be seen sitting in the Parking lot of the Salem State College gym, just so I can connect with the outside world.

This is how sad I have become................also it feels as if Summer just started and yet in just a few weeks.....less then that even I have to go back to hell know has college.

And then SWM isn't any better being everyone is fucking leaving, or already gone

WHAT THE FUCK!???!!!

*sigh*

sigh

2008-08-14T05:07:00.001-07:00

you know your in trouble when your sitting in the Campus Center parking lot, just to get a few bars of internet.....just so for a few minutes before you get ready for work you are connected to the world.

Not like I really need to be connected at all, not alot of people are around, calling me back or caring.

But its nice to take a look and see whats going on.............

right?......................right?

Still thinking of Oragon

2008-07-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

So has the rain ended late into the night, I still think Oragon is the place to go to next.

This means I'm going to have to pick up a pair of water boots and a rain jacket.

I also have been thinking maybe (instead) going to Washington, the more I think about it, the more exsited and scared I become. I have no savety net. But I'm ready for it. MA will always be here. Mom & Dad will still love me. And my friends (the one worth keeping) will always been in my heart.

.....................hopefully when I'm there I will find my vampire or warewolf ;-)

refreshing?

2008-06-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

Does it count if I'm refreshing this page but has nothing to say

nothing importent to inform anyone

just minutes before bed, with a slight earache and very sore feet.

I had a long hard day at work, and it's really only the beginning, which is very upsetting.

I need a bear hug, but all I'm getting is pats of the shoulder, which doesn't count. Yes I enjoy the human contact as much as the next person but I want to be shaken.

Guess thats not happening anytime soon

CHEERS!!

New Post

2008-06-18T09:18:00.001-07:00

Sorry friends. Or few people who read this, I've been busy and tired, stress, and well

My life is pretty simple, I go to work, I read and I come home (sometimes eat something) then I read some more, then go to bed. I'm falling asleep at 8ish, and waking up around 7ish so I mean me having time to do fun normal twenty-something "things" seems so far away and stupid. I read, I knit, I sing, I act........I'm very simple. And I like simple things, so my wild and crazy summer is nothing more the a dream, not even, a waft of a dream that I never had or wanted.

Emily has a cat. And Ashley is being a great mother, so hopefully everything will turn out all right. My cats are healthy and lovely, which just makes me a happy Mom because my cats are AMAZING.

I miss Nicole, Katie and Anthony. Summer people I would always meet up with, Katie and Anthony are only in Boston, so I hope to see them soon. But Nicole, dear lovely Nicole is in Vermount, making cheese and ice cream with her hippie Vermount friends. When I'm here celabrating Litha without her. But this is what growing up is all about. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I will try to visit her sometime this summer, and hopefully this distance will only make things better.

Other news I have a new cell phone if you want the numer let me know via Facebook

WEEE!!

2008-05-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Nothing beats getting over something that a drastic change. SO I GOT A CUTE SHORT!! HAIR CUT!!! And I love it, tons tons tons, which is nice, because its different from what I normally get. SO YAY CHANGE!!!

Also I have been thinking about going to church, Unitarian seems something that I would enjoy, its the most laid back of religions, very laid back. To the point they don't care what God you believe in, just that you believe.

So new hair, new out look on life, maybe be a new person?

HAHAHAHA!! Right, back to my knitting!

Nothing

2008-04-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't get it

I never was going to get it, I knew that going in, but it would have been great leaving this school with something....anything

I just want to go home, see my mom and dad

THIS is what gets me, I don't have a car, so I'm fucking stuck here, I can't go home, I can't go for a drive when I'm uppset. I have to stay here in a town that hates me just as much as I hate it. I HAD IT!! A CAR!!! BUT I LOST IT!!!

Better yet, Mr Mattox comes here, and he takes over the school, Mr Popular. He has a car, he has a girlfriend. Why is it that he thrives EVERY WHERE he fucking goes, when I sit here miserable. I HATE IT HERE!! I always have really I didn't want to go here, I don't like the people I'm around. GOD!! I'm just trying to get everything done, in a simple amount of time so I can move on with a degree in my back pockett. I HATE IT HERE!! I HATE IT HERE!! I HATE IT HERE!!!! I HATE IT HERE!! I HATE IT HERE!! I HATE IT HERE!!! I HATET IT HERE!!!

THE SOONER I GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THE BETTER!!!! BECAUSE I HATE IT HERE!!!

One Good Thing

2008-04-06T16:01:00.001-07:00

Let this be the one good thing that happens to me at Salem State College!!

Please let the Fine Arts God bow down to me just a few more times, and let people see the light that my show is the one to pick tomarrow!

I need this, so I can have something to look back on!

PLEASE!!!

*figures crossed*

No Internet No How

2008-03-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

Ok so......Andy has moved out and with him he has taken the internet.

I should be more angery with him, but I'm not

But because of this, I will try to go online but if you need to talk to me or anything just call me on my cell

Nothing Better

2008-03-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

This is nothing better then getting drunk off your ass after a hard day of work

playing games and such

know that your going to own more money in the rent

yet, forgetting your problems for just a moment, to the point where you can sing classic 3 part songs, hoping for life to never pick up

How much money on me going to class? Really how much?

There are These Days.....

2008-03-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

When I wish I could just leave this fucking place and go back to Cape Cod and work for Nabisco for the rest of my life. Just take what my life is now and be happy with the fact that I can say that I left home, but found out that life isn't worth fighting for, it never have been worth fighting for, and well it would just be easier to deal with the fact that I'm nothing special, I will be nothing special and just better to admit it and move the fuck on.

I hate it here

School is a waste of time and money

I just want something to happen, like my parents getting hurt or the end of the world, so I can just live alone, like the hermit I am and forget about all this shit.

I'm sick of this place, I'm tired of all the people.......I want to live alone, with my cats and read. Just be alone and forget that I had people in this world.

I want to be left alone

God......I hate it here

Full Wrap, Dressing on the Side

2008-03-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

My school year is paid off. And about fucking time right? But I need oil, Andy "might" be moving out, adding more money to the slut's rent and I owe the IRS (dealing with doing my taxes wrong.)

I'm working about 25 hours a day, trying to get all caught up with school work and keeping the apartment clean. (Reminder: Get ride of the tree, its dead and the cats are eating it)

I went home for 3 days, and it was so nice. The guest room is the color of sand, which goes with the rest of the house, I got to sleep in a full bed. Take a long shower and open a fridge where I could eat anything there. Not one item had ATM on it. What I love most about going back to the Cape is the fact that I feel like its truely a break. I didn't want to come back to Salem and deal with all the bills and stresses that seem to take over my life.

But see thats the part no one ever warns you about. They hint about it alot. Life isn't fair. It's never easy. Common things my parents tried to teach me in thier life lessons, but it's never enought, ever. No matter how much you are warned or down right told, never is enough until your crying yourself to sleep with nightmares of the Government taking you in and never seeing the light of day.

But I have read 4 novels over break, and I have tons more. What else could you ask for I guess?

GGGGRRRRRAAAAAAAA!!!!!

2008-02-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

I AM SO FUCKING ANGERY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

IF IT HAPPENS I WILL CALL THE FUCKING COPS!!!

DO YOU HEAR ME!! I'LL CALL THE FUCKING COPS!!

GGGGGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

* taking a shower the cool the fuck off*

Nothing is more annoying

2008-02-25T11:31:00.001-08:00

Nothing gets under my skin more then when your taking a class, one that you would think you would enjoy

only to find out that the teacher's theories are completely off what I think...........

Ok see teachers have their theory, I have mine..........

who do you think is better off?

ba

2008-02-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

The doctor says its a virus

that sleep and fluids will help

low blood pressure is the cause for me being dizy

I'm always cold because I am 2 degrees below normal

I email all my proffessors, hopeing they might take pitty on a very sick student

but come on, who are we kidding....right?

I'm going back to bed, and hoping the room will stop spinning, and I my temp will get up

*sigh*

My Check List.......right?

2008-02-04T16:25:00.001-08:00

File my taxes.....incorectly, so I then try to fix it

Turns out I'm getting back 50% what I thought I was getting

I need to pay off school, to get going on other things, let ALONE see my grades, which I dont even want to think about

We need oil

Rent will be due sooner, because of this month

I feel guilty because am asking for both a party and a night of bowling............I will be paying for myself

AND I STILL HAVE NO MONEY FOR FOOD!!

My parents offer to go shopping for me and I ask for the following things

1) Cat food
2) Cat litter

They get me as well
3) Toliet Paper
4) paper towels
5) bread

(I care for my cats more then myself)

BEING AN ADULT SUCKS!!

Just Buzzed

2008-02-01T07:22:00.000-08:00

Even though today is a new day and I should really forget what the fuck is going on, yesturday was just one of those days

It starts out with Katelyn breaking into the house, into Andy's room on his request. Now not knowing of this request, I think the worst and have a pantic attack, when Jill goes up stairs to see whats up. Needless to say, both Jill, Katelyn and I were not happy with the situation. But breathing into a paper bag was good. Andrew is going to be coming home to a very....."interesting" coversation. Hopefully all will be handled well, because I really don't want to lose this thing.......*sigh*

Then after not going to class (because of lack of sleep) I spent the day with Greg G. who is amazing, in the fact that we can talk pretty much about anything and not feel awakward.

Later that night, missing Ashley who was away at ACTF (the college Theatre festival thing) turns out she was side swiped going up to Fitzburg. Hearing her on the phone, being so sad and miserable, Jill and I desided to jump into the car, drive and hour and 30 minutes to give our Ashley a hug. It was the best and Ashley was beaming knowing she has such great friends. (Also the car is not great, but I have seen alot worst.....ALOT WORST)

We did bumb into Andy there, but he either didn't care or .......no he just didn't care, but we weren't there for him. We then drove home and went to bed.

Over all I would say an amazing night!

enough said

2008-01-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

This place is falling a part

people are being so fucking moody!!

I would kindly request that they all take their negative energy and put it were the sun don't shine!!

But then I really would become the bitch

sick of being here in a huge house, with everyone doing their own thing........I thought the goal was to be a family?

eyes closed

2008-01-22T15:27:00.000-08:00

Please give me the strength to do what I have to do

to be happy

to help the other people around me

and maybe better something

that right now, seems to be slipping

please give me strength!!

Nothing beats........

2008-01-19T15:41:00.000-08:00

There is nothing better then winning at shot glass checker

Getting so drunk the room is spinning and you can't help but be honest about everything

Then being told to go to bed, because it's better to sleep then start fights with people you truely care about.

THANKS COLLEEN.....THAT MIGHT HAVE ENDED FAR WORST THEN IT DID!!!

Angle

2008-01-17T06:50:00.000-08:00

In White Christmas, the Bing Crosby character talks about everyone has an angle. The things a person does for either themselve or others, always has the hope for a type or several different outcomes. These outcomes either negativer, postive or neither help the person choose those types of actions.

For instance, inviting someone over, that you niether care about or hate, to see the reactioins of a roommate is an angle. Choosing not to do the dishes, until one gets home from work, with the chance someone else might do it is an angle. The act of simply ingnoring a person who is and will always be an ass, is a action that will always have either negative or positive effects.

I have learned that every action, choice of words, even the people one chooses to hang out with, all have good and bad quailties.

Which is why I will write this message on the web, knowing clearly that he will either never read it, or is lying to me and will.

"Andy, you need to grow the fuck up and get a thicker skin. When people in the household make fun of you or do something that might "hurt" you, it is not a fucking attack, it is love. What you should be worried is when we all treat you nicely, because it means that you are no longer part of this little thing I like to call Family. Since you clearly don't pay attention to the details that happen around you, I would like to point out that we all make fun of eachother, that no one gets hit with a blow, unless you yourself can to hit hard. So I say deal with it, fucking grow up! Your once again walking on thin ice buddy. And unless you change your actions and join in on the dance floor, whats the point of even showing up to the club. Stay in your room if you don't like getting picked on, or better yet, stop doing stupid things so you can in fact stop become a target. Lets be honest here, it is not the fact that you have a girl friend, it is the fact that your an asshole that we as an appartment feel the need to be cold to you. Katelyn is more willing to hang out with us, then you are. So here's the point. Get a thicker skin, grow the fuck up and deal with the fact that there are more of us then you. And get use to Katelyn being invited over without you, because she far more fun when your not around."

CHEERS!!

This Year

2008-01-09T17:16:00.000-08:00

May this year be better then the last

waking up happy with where I am, where I'm heading

I don't like feeling lost anymore, nor do I like feeling like I'm loosing control of what is happening around me

To find what the fuck I am looking for in either myself or in other people. To know that I'm trying to be a better person but not being taken advantage of, with either my family or friends.

I want this year to have everything I haven't had in my life..........which isn't much to go with.........but anything is better then the nothing I have to go with............*sigh*

Tired

2007-12-27T19:38:00.000-08:00

Here I am 21

but I feel like I'm 45

I'm not a fan of people who come into my apartment and make a shit load of rules

New Years is the test for me......cross your fingers!

The Holidays

2007-12-23T00:50:00.000-08:00

This is that time of the year when I start questioning things.

Is it wrong I really dont want to go to the Cape?

DONE!!

2007-12-18T08:04:00.000-08:00

I am done with classes!!

NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS 1960'S DANCE!!

who will join in?

Rainbow Bright

2007-12-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

I say that today if she spends another weekend in this house I swear to the socks I am wearing right now, she will die a very very painful death.

Once again I am so fucking happy she pays rent, to use our shower, to stay here when he's not around

God why won't he just get the fucking hint

Rainbow Bright is going down.......

DEC 18th!!!!

2007-12-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

Friends and Fans

Dec 18th Brandi Carlile comes out with her first Holiday CD!!!!

Now I cant let you hear it, so I sugest that you go to her Myspace page and listen to it.....ITS AMAZING!!!!!

The Heartache Can Wait

You're talking about leaving
It's right about Christmas time
Thinking about moving on
I think I might die inside

I'm thinking about years gone by
I'm thinking about church at midnight
I'm thinking about letting go
I think that might finally be alright

But this is where we shine

Silver bells and open fire
And songs we used to sing
One more chance to be inspired
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough
Then stay with me because
The heartache can wait

It's not about hanging on
It's making my deal with God
If I could call one last truce
We've given it all we've got

Then I'm gonna catch my breath
And make it a long December
If we've got nothing left
This could be worth remembering
With a smile upon my face

Silver bells and open fire
And songs we used to sing
One more chance to be inspired
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough
Then stay with me because

Silver bells and open fire
And songs we used to sing
One more chance to be inspired
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough
Then stay with me because
The heartache can wait

See she knows SO FUCKING MUCH!!!

feeling on the edge

2007-12-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

I know Andy is mad at me, and he doenst want to talk about. Fine.....perfect....I say there is a tension, he says there isnt, I want to get our feelings out....he would rather be short and rude.

Fine

*sigh*

I've been crying alot more because of him. But I've been holding it, a habit I learned to do when I was very young, because I always felt like it was what my father wanted when he yelled at me. To see me cry, a weak female, who will never learn how to grow-up unless she learned the harshness that is the world.

It all came crashing down on me today.

I don't have enough money for rent, I'm $10 short, my own fault, I spend my money quicker then I get it. See Andy pays the cable bill, and I've always been good on paying him on time, so for October I wrote him a check, he cashed it this week, leaving me nothing. (I didnt know this) So I gave him $10 hopping he didnt cash the check yet, so I would still have time. (I didnt.) I broke down, I couldn't stop shaking, I couldnt stop the tears as they came rolling down. Here's the part that gets me.....he ignored it. I went to his room and asked for a simple hug. "I'm not going to give you a hug, because it won't mean anything, nor will it fix it." Me a puddle on the floor just needing some physical comfort.

You know what I get what I deserve. I wrote him a nasty letter, because he was hurting the people I care about, and you can't do that. Silly me....forgot that he's just as important to me as my other friend is.

So were does that leave me. Another friend gone, leaving me, once again, broken hearted, picking up the pieces......heres the sick part......do you think it would just be better if I just let them stay there? Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much as I watch history repeat itself.

My Therapist

2007-12-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

My therapist thinks of full of shit

she think that I put up a front against the world so I dont have to deal with what i really have to deal with

that I cause all the problems that in front of me

The first thing I thought when I heard this was

I need a new therapist

Do you think she's right?

Holding Back

2007-12-02T16:16:00.001-08:00

I have something to say to you........

but you choose not to listen

Your fault not mine.

Something Stupid

2007-11-30T10:30:00.001-08:00

Last night we did something stupid. Let's all agree on that, we did know the conflicts of our actions. It happened we had our laughs and mayhem, we're all dealing with it today. Agree!

As much as I had fun, things seemed to change way to quickly.

So that it wasn't fun anymore.
I don't blame anyone

How could I when we were all acting differently in the first place.

But I worry, like I always do.....will this further the ripe in this household?

Because with out this family I have nothing.

Beginning to thing

2007-11-24T14:56:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to think that this isn't happening. That this line that I am slowly getting closer too is really only inches away I'm just afraid to cross it.

I'm beginning to think that being a hermit isn't such a bad plan after all. That giving up everyone to find who I am, what I want in this life time might not be so bad.

That I wouldn't be jumping hoops to make sure everyone is happy.

I wouldn't be tryig hard to hold on the these people, these people who might care for me now, but what about 10 years from now. Better yet 5 years from now.

Over and over again "Don't worry Aimee, your stuck with me." "God Aimee what makes you think that I would leave you?" "Aimee that will never happen I love you too much." But see thats my problem.

When I'm really living on my own, cats by my side, I'll figure out why the fuck I'm wasting my time waking up every morning. Why I do the things I do.

I'll be able to breathe for me, and not think about anyone else.

Winter

2007-11-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

As my hands begin there hard work on knitting gifts for under the tree, the air starts to get that crisp taste thats makes me wish I didn't have to get out of bed.

I feel sometimes that I drag people down with my thoughts and feelings. That even when I've knitted enough hats for all my loves in my life, I will just have to start over again. Winter is one of those seasons.........

Its this time that I think about family & friends I have lost. I will no longer be getting a card from Aunt Sharron. I don't have to knit something for these people whom I have in the past. How did this happen?

Today I just want to curl up in my bed, and be held. Told that all these fears are useless, that I won't lose anyone for a long time now. That tomarrow the sun will be out and the air will not be so bitter.

But since I have homework, rehearsal and the need to get things done.......all I can do is take a deep breathe and hope people like me in the morning.

Luddy thinks its good

2007-11-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Hey Ashley.....thanks

About Portland Oregon, If Profesor Luddy thinks its a good idea, then it must be the right choice.

Yep

2007-11-06T07:52:00.000-08:00

Nothing beats the first week in November then the flu. I take drugs and I get alittle bit better, then today I feel once again like I've been pushed down the stairs. At least I'm not cold any more.

I'm not going to work....and I'm going back to bed

may this thing I'm fighting fucking die

(cross your fingers about auditions)

Against the Odds

2007-11-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

This month is over

and I can't help but sigh at the fact that I have a tickle in my throat

I had a nervous break down last night
(where Jill pull to the side of the road and held me)

I couldn't help but think how lucky I was, but at the same time I felt so raw and stupid

I've been on the edge, looking over, fearing the jump

I must be a difficult person to live with, I hate (most) people, I would rather sleep, knit or read then go to a loud drinking party, I'm cold to people that I care about because in the end I am always waiting for that other shoe to come crashing down.

I've been talking to someone to help me fix this, to learn to trust.............

It was a long month.....now begins the turkey month on the food network

PS I'm so glad she pays rent to invite her friends to sleep here........thanks for the 411

Just Don't Fucking Care

2007-10-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

I don't fucking care if I get Bitch award of the Year

I dont fucking care if I am really hungery

I really don't fucking care about tomarrows fucking Theatre History Midterm

I couldnt give a fucking hoot about the fucking red sox

Right now, I am taking a shit load of sleeping pills and going to bed......I just don't fucking care about anything right now

so fuck you

good night

hope i dont see you in the morning

Heard This on the Radio

2007-10-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

i kid you not this is a real song...by Pink (who kicks ass)

The girl is AMAZING!!!

"Dear Mr. President"
(feat. Indigo Girls)

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you

One Vote

2007-10-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

All it would take is one simple vote, and me plus the cats would leave

thats all it would take

one vote

just one person to be tired of my bullshit

thats all it takes

why is it that I let other people have such control of my life? Colleen says it would never happen....Andy and I are back to way things should be....people keep telling me that I am liked that I am love.

But its that thought

All it would take is one vote....one person to disagree........

its that thought that scares the shit out of me

Im an Adult

2007-10-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I came to the conclution that I am growing up

I called health services and told the people that I wont be going to therapy today, because I was tired and wanted to sleep in. I didnt lie or was i unclear, I told the truth, and I really didnt care what they thought of me.

so there....i am growing into a fine adult.

Love?

2007-10-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

Love is one of those things that I just don't understand

how people stay in relationship when their so unhappy

or Happy relationships or relationships that I think will last fall apart at the seams, leaving me in amazment that love really does happen for people and work out. How can it, when the couples i know can't stay together.

Funny how it works out that way right?

I would rather just not deal with the whole fucking thing

Forget

2007-10-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

Without this small connection to the world
It would seem so much bigger
Lost in a sea filled with drift wood
Just trying to stay afloat

I hold a hand
recieve a hug
wait for a kiss in return

If I could run
or call the wind on command
Jump into a cloud
hold something solid

It seems that I am becoming something I am not
a shell of myself
intertwined with thought and self doubt

Wishing I was forgotten
like normal tragic heros
then i wouldn't feel...........

so fucking guilty
just being me

With Love & Respect
From This Side
Aimee <3

Running Around

2007-10-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

I've been working alot

moving around

Trying to make everything happen at once

when it hits me that, this is all going to be over soon

which just makes me think........

What the fuck am I doing?

Yuck

2007-10-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

this weather cant be good for me

its better when its cold out, and you can taste the coldness

Putting on a sweater, scarf and jeans looks more amazing on people then skippy little shirts and tank tops

I feel gross

I shower twice a day, which is using up the oil

But I wash my hair and face, get out of the shower and feel like it didnt do anything

My lips are doing there thing again, and everything i try just won't work

This is why I think a different place would be better

Where the air is cold but not so fucking damp. Where I know whats up ahead weather wise.

I want a change of pace, look out my window and see something new

that song....Boston, it talks about how the girl wants to change places, leave CA and move to MA. Maybe thats what I need?

Today was the dance
I hope everyone had an amazing time
for me nothing is better then having a good 3 hours of a house all to myself

call me what ever you want
But would rather hear the stories of what happened, then see it first hand, guess its always been that way

interesting......

This Month

2007-10-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

I've been warned about this month.

That work will be Hell on wheels and it will take a stong person not to quit

I love the fall, the way the seasons die and yet it goes out with such a loud bang. "I rocked this season...BUT LOOK I CAN STILL GO OUT SINGING."

I can feel the change...ive been eating more...which isnt alot to begin with and I've been sleeping more

I can't wait for November, thats the month I really shine

But this whole October thing...I say BRING IT ON!!

Negative Nancy

2007-09-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

Its funny how I can laugh at the fact that Im stupid

Or if I look like shit, I know it

If I do something wrong, I admit it, I move on

But when I get something positve I turn it into a joke, a sarcastic remark. People say I'm nice and I turn it around saying that Im only acting to get what I want. They say I am looking good, and I belive they are pulling my leg.

I am told that I am loved and a great friend

I turn it to........I'm weak and do too much.

Not in The Mood

2007-09-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not in the mood to feel belittled in front of strangers

Or in front of friends

theres a line......why do you keep crossing it?

It would just be better if I went home, at least then I know what Im going into

bad dreaming

2007-09-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

I just figured out why I havent been sleeping well here, I haven't been able to really dream. Which I guess is important in the long run, but I just haven't had time or I just dont remember what I was dreaming about. Yesturday I slept through my classes, which I didn't mean to do.....today I slept through my classes which I lets be honest did mean to do. I'm beginning to think that maybe college isn't what I need right now. But I could never just drop out, because of everyone else. But shouldn't I be going to college not for my teachers or for my parents but for me?

*sigh*

Alright to my dream.

I'm in school, but its like I'm living in the fucking house too. The Classes are in hallways of this appartment building, some of the shit looks new, others like its falling apart. I find out through Theresa that Mom has cancer. BUT THEY DIDN'T TELL ME!! It was just like "well you know mom had cancer so we can't" then Sharron was in it, she and my dad where acting really romantic with each other. AND MY MOM WAS DYING!! But I couldn't see her, because I have class for socialology. So I'm trying to be in class with all most of my friends (emily, ashley, jill and andy). When I just leave, I can't fucking handle the fact that no one fucking cares the Mom has cancer and Sharron wants to fuck my dad, (but she cant because she's dead.) So when leaving Andy says something about how I need to be here in this class or something stupid and I just scream MY MOM HAS FUCKING CANCER AND NO ON GIVES A FUCKING SHIT!!

Thats when Andy woke me up for class

scared the fucking shit of out of me, that I couldn't move

I have dreams that seem so fucking real it took me a full 10 minutes to relize that no my mom is fine, my friends would care if something was to happen. And Sharron is dead, in the ground and not coming back to steal my dad.

Missed classes and this is what I get a fuck nightmare that just didn't want to end.

Thanks Andy for waking me up

Negative

2007-09-17T00:34:00.001-07:00

I have been told through out my life that I am way to negative. Which I think is true in alote of things. You think something bad will happen most times it does. But I would like to think that me being negative isn't something that would rub off on other people. I tinkn about it now, and I try to make a point not to make people feel depressed.

But I've come to the conclution that I have failed in that since.

No.......wait........I have failed.

In no way shape or form did I think that I would make people lives hard to bare. That I would drive people nuts, that I would push them all away with my negative thoughts or worst, make them doubt anything that makes them happy.

I don't know when it happened, but people started listening to me, caring what I thought, wanting my opintioin on things. Years I was thinking that I was just this shaddow that people kept around because once in while this "shaddow" would make a funny remark and that person would laugh. Or the fact that I can at the drop of a hat jump off a cliff without asking questions because.....thats what you do for friends.

I hate the think that I have any cause in people's pain. That I put some thought into someones head and that cause them doubt. Or that I did something different to have them freak out in any way shape or form. I do things without thinking, and now that I have a chance to reflect on what I've done in the past I have come to a few conclutions.

No one should ever listen to me or ask for my opintions
If I say anything mean in any shape or form, you should NEVER take it to heart, my mouth always gets the better of me
When I do something to piss you off, or if I make you feel uncomfortable you need to tell me, because I will never get the hint, even when you tell me I won't get the hint. I never do....I keep going, until I scare you away.

To this conclution I feel the need to apologize to everyone who reads this horriable blog. For it is you who read this flith of me complaining about everything, I also and sorry for my friends.

I am trying very hard to be happy..........its just a very long road to walk.

Roommates

2007-09-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing to report

Just thought people should know

I have the best roommates in the world.

And the fact that they will do anything for me is nice.

Even take pictures for a contest

Sept 11

2007-09-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Let us through all our hussle and bussle, take a moment out of today and think about what happend 6 years ago

6 years ago America was hit by the core

6 years we've had people die in a war, fighting a cause, whether you belive in it or not

I think if we were smart we'd have tomarrow off

But until that day comes

Before you worry about what today is going to bring, sit for a moment, think about 6 years ago thousands of people died, and the world was turned on its head.

Remember that we are still alive

And has anything really improved?

(Thank you Ashley for letting me know it was only 6 years not 7 years ago. I always try to rush things)

This is Weird

2007-09-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

I had a panic attack lastnight

I've been havinging them for years, more when I was younger, but last night when I was woken up by the roommates coming back from a party it hit me and it hit me hard.

Now, I've had small little panic attacks that last a few minutes maybe an hour. The goal is to focus on something that is solid and calm myself down. Well at home I would go for a walk, but I can't do that in Salem because I would rather feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest then be raped or killed. So I tried to sit down, made myself a cup of tea. Now in a normal setting no one would have seen this or even known it was happening. Lord knows I would have a small panic attack after being spooked after work, and no one knew any better. These little things make me feel small and weak, so I try not to bring focus on them. But people where drunk. Which I really think is great, I watched TV with Ashley (more my thing) and they had a fun time at a theatre party. And I should up at the party, people saw me, but come on, I don't really drink nor do I want to.

Anywhooo, it took me a good 4 hours to calm the fuck down. There where moments when the room would get bigger and I'd feel small and childish...then I would move to my bed (which is a bunk-bed) and I would feel like the top bunk is going to fall on me. It was horriable, things were moving so fucking fast I couldn't just pause things. I wanted to screem that I was loosing my mind, that my heart was dying, but I didnt. I didnt need my drunk roommates to deal with me getting sent to the hospital.

I think what was worst was the fact that I tried so hard in trying to hide this attack, when really I must have looked like a crazy person. Lord knows what my roommates think of me now. They're where loud, they didn't piss me off, I was just scarred shitless when they all got home, which lead to a panic attack that just wouldn't go away.

I've said it before I'll say it again I really think I need help

No Internet

2007-09-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

It seems that I can go even a few days without reading my online comics or checking people out on facebook. Go figure right, it seems that being a normal college student I would feel lost with out checking Nicole's blog, seeing if people are together or even if people left me love on my wall. But I find that even when I have the internet I don't see the use of staying on for long, just a quick check in here and there. So I'm sorry if you've been trying to get a hold of me, I am just not in the mood to spend a good amount of time in the O'Keefe center in I can help it.

Otherwise things are moving along. I no longer have the Mazda which makes me die alittle inside....wait rewind....I forgot that you people don't know what happend. I mean for me it seems so long ago. Lets start this one up again:

Saturday myself, parents and cats were driving up to Salem to get me all warm and cozy in my new place. This is a HUGE step in alot of things in my life. Here I am moving out of my parents house and pretty much just being on my own for a few years. So I'm pumped, my parents (Mom mostly) had in fact crossed over to the creepy darkside of adulthood and was trying to control EVERYTHING.. anyhhhhooooo, I was driving the mazda and all was going good, I was 15 minutes away from cutting free from my parents when WHAM, I was rear ended by a drink ass. Now I'm fine, but the Mazda no longer has a trunk, the bumper is now in my back seat, then to top it off my uncle informed me that I shouldn't go faster then 50mph because at any moment my all rear end could go. Yep that it people I no longer have a car, not that I had a car to begin with, really I didn't even have it for 24 hour and wham good bye car.

Other then that, and the fact that I am broke and poor and have no job everything is looking up. At least now I dont have to listen to my Mom.

Dear Friends

2007-08-31T18:56:00.000-07:00

Ok tomarrow I am leaving Cape Cod and moving into Salem

I love Salem and can't wait

the problem is I don't know when I will be able to get back online

so in case I'm gone for a few weeks dont worry

and feel free to call my cell phone if you need me

Other wise see ya all around

Last Days of Summer

2007-08-28T14:00:00.001-07:00

When some kids where going off the school today I could help but think that this is the last week of summer.

The proof is in the store, here I am use to working long endless days putting up cookies and crackers, today I just had to make the aile look good. The storage area is where it is really apparent, all the summer stock was packed away, the school and Halloween things where taken out.

Kind of makes me think of You Got Mail where Tom Hanks always feels like he should be buying school supplies, and how he would have gotten Meg Ryann a bouquet of sharpened pencils, but can't because well they are at the beginning of there online romance.

The last smell of summer was taken today. There in my aile was a little girl of 5 or 6, wearing her bathing suit and pink crocks, her face pink from too much sun, her hair stringy from the salt from the the sea water so popular here on Cape Cod, with the smell of Coconut sunscreen, bug spray and bubble gum, I couldn't help but smile at the fact that Summer is coming to an end, and my favorite season is just at its amazing apple crisp beginning.

My Mind Wonders

2007-08-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

How does one pack 20 years of memories into boxes?

What do you throw away, what do you keep?

What should come with me to Salem?

My biggest fear is that something will happen to my books, how will I replace them all?

Must keep calm.....but my imagination is getting the better of me

She's OK

2007-08-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

So Salem was just running a fever, so I have to watch her make sure she goes back to her normal self. Also watch out for Sheba because she seems to have that old lady cough that dogs get.

Nicole was over, I made her Crepes with nuttella and bananas. We then watched The Sciences of Sleeping, which was weird, even for me it was WEIRD. So she leaves in a few days, less then a few days. I hope everything is amazing for her, she deserves that, an amazing time in another country, doing something different.

I think I need a vacation. I didn't get one, I haven't really had a day off even. Most of my days off are spent going to the apartment or doing trips. The latest I've slept must have been maybe 9 or even 10 but who knows now.

Here in an house all by myself, with just me and the animals. I did the dishes, laundry and trash. Sheba is walked. And all I keep thinking about is how I could do this for the rest of my life. A life of solitude. But isn't that all people really want in life, i time of just being who you are, around people who don't care what you think or how you do things, just being you. Home is a feeling of being loved and comfortable. Yet you can live in a place and feel trapped or different. I guess the point is that I have no real stresses or pressure other then what I do to myself, and when the time comes to move out and move on, I would like to think that this will be with me. All works out for the best in life, even when something so horriable happens things turn out to work out the way it should. Fate is always working, just like the world, your world which when you were little seems so so huge to compare the little yard one plays in seems to shrink the older you get. Or maybe its like a roller coaster, where you think that the world is getting smaller but it isnt your just doing more, then when you get older the world seems bigger again. My mind wonders on things that won't happen to even things that can happen. People are moving on and getting married or going to another country. I just hope that in this changing that I can change with it, I don't see it in myself, I'm still the lost 3 year old in the mall, but I would like to think that, when the time comes to be the adult, I can help the people who need it and still take care of myself in return.

now I just wish I could remember that poem.........damn

Poor Salem

2007-08-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

So I got home from work after a very long day, and my Mom said something along the lines of Salem (my cat) wasn't being her amazing self. So I call the vet, get her seen and it turns out that she was running a temp of 105, when a cat's normal temp it about 100 to 102. So Salem is at the vet hopefulling getting better, the only problem is if she doesn't get better by tomarrow this is going to cost me most of my savings, which isn't that much to begin with.

Which brings me to another thing, I think I'm going to ask Joanne (my boss) about being a vendor up in Salem. I could work as a vendor 3 to 4 days a week. Then I wouldn't have to learn something new, but I don't like the fact that I would have to have a new boss, who wouldn't be the same as Joanne.

So I have alot to think about this week, and how better to do that with out the family around. Tomarrow Theresa leaves for New York her creepiness in tow, then Mom & Dad are off to Niagra Falls for a "2nd" honeymoon. So during this break from them, I will be taking care of my cat, cleaning my room/ packing and hopefully (keep your fingers crossed) getting a job for Nabisco up in the North Shore.

I've been Inked

2007-08-17T22:14:00.001-07:00

Today was one of those days where you just sit back and let everything happen.

Picked up Ashley and the 3 Vients all got Inked.

The funny part was the fact that I didn't feel any pain.

I love getting tattooed, its like going on stage or before you fall on a roller coaster. Now I feel like I've just thrown away all that stress, time to move on and move out.

This is the markings of change......until I get another one.

Missing the Outdoors

2007-08-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

I want to go camping

I want to wake up warm in my sleeping bag with the cold damp air showing my breath

To go outside with the fire burning, drinking hot cocoa, to walk around the forest or near a river miles away from the streets.

Shut off my phone and only have the company of those around me

To look at the stars

I want to go camping, now I just have to find someonet who will go camping with me.

Purple Thumb

2007-08-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

On Friday I closed the car door on my left thumb, oddly enough I didn't shed a tear, now my thumb is a nice dark purple at the edge of my finger nail. What I've never relized was how much I use my left thumb. I couldn't move cookies, I couldn't break down boxes but what really got me was th fact that i couldn't unclip my bra. At least now its not as sore as it was on Saturday, and the goal of having man hands is nearly complete. My knuckles are swollen (because I am always cracking the air out), the cutticals are shot (because I work with cardboard which dries them out), there are little cuts from the box cutter and cardboard, and now the left thumb is nail is purple. If I keep this up I will start going yard work to really get these babys going.

Today I went to Boarders, got a bunch of books ( I have a problem)

And I have also went to the NEW STARBUCKS at Harwitch Stop & Shop. I love coffee, I love the atmophere of Starbucks, but people shopping and freaking out about getting their drink the right way is not how I like to enjoy my drink. So as much as I love Starbucks and cafe'. I don't like them in my grocery store.

20 more days of the shit

Thanks!

2007-08-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that Joe from SofterWorld is moving just like I am.

Which is why I think this comic is amazing,

So Thanks to the people who have and will be helping me move into my apartment

you all rock!!

HUGS!

Stones in the Stomach

2007-08-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

The book that I'm reading right now is amazing

One point of the story is how the femal character feels like she has stones in her stomach, waking up this morning I felt the same way. A knot has form in my insides. I don't know why its happening, but it seems that I'm feaking out about everything that will be happening this month.

And I would just like to point out that I am so done with this month, I want September....or better yet October. Where I don't sweat any more, and I'm in school. I'm so ready to leave......but I still have to wait.

Anywhoo....Today when I was working at Shaws in Orleans, I saw the most amazing couple. You know the type, they spelled of insence and hemp. Both wearing wraped linen skirts. The guys curl hair was placed tightly in a bun, when the women's hair was down, but held back by a clip and scarf. They looked so cute, perfict fit for each other. Which got me thinking.....where they both like that at first or did they slowly form this look?

Which then got me thinking of Nicole. Yesturday after getting lost in Boston, unpacking and such, she got talking about how in the next 10 years she wants to get married. She is says that I will hopefully find at least 2 guys in these ten years. Then she went on desribing this "guy" who is bearish, with a beard, who can be very outgoing and loves camping.

"He'll have the plaid shirts hidden, but you'll know they're there"

Just wish I could find him now......

Another Hot One

2007-07-29T16:55:00.001-07:00

I dont mind going gerocery shopping, I find that is relaxing.

I dont mind cooking dinner, or food or making meals, its fun, I like the idea of putting things together, who would have thought that putting some meat veggies and spices down together in a pan would make something as yummy as tacos.

What I hate is cleaning after, so is it so horrible that I ask Mom & Dad to do the dishes? I did just cook a wonderful meal, which I did just go out and get at the store.......Why do I have to clean after I just fed them?

But Mom pulls a Theresa, and goes to the bathroom, leaving Dad doing the dishes, banging pots and plates, breaking glasses, all because "its too hot!"

I know Dad works hard, and Mom can't do as much as she could when she was younger. I know that they are older then I am, that I am young, only work about 30 hours a week, and should try to help around the house. But isn't what I've been doing since I've been home helping out? Why can't it just work like it does at school, where I make a dinner, and Ashley or Jill are fine with cleaning up after?

Maybe I'm asking too much........well thats the last time I will ask them to clean up after I just cooked dinner. But if I stop cooking dinner, then the family would starve.

Figures right?

Quickly Friends

2007-07-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

So I only have 20% on my battery right now, but I'm trying to use it up, because you should do that to your battery.....I guess?

Anywhooo, did I ever tell you how meny books I own. ALOT! I was clearing up a book shelve, for the fab library, and I have now 3 boxed of books, then theres another one that came from school. That's 4 boxes of books.

So I guess if people want to barrow a book sometime, I'm the person to go to, just as long as I get them back, I've lost alot of Amazing books by giving them out to people and never getting them back.

So yeah.....me= too meny books. But when I think about it, you can never have too meny books, its like having too meny bags or shoes. Books are timeless, not everyone one can wear your shoes. And I'm hoping my reading will rub off my roomies, so we can not have to get a large amount of channels for the TV. I will miss the Food Network.....but thats why I have the internet.

Back to cleaning my room, because I have a guest coming tomarrow. Ashley is coming to the Cape because she only lives an hour away....ONLY AN HOUR!! We're going to see Guys & Dolls, not my first pick but I am obligated to go to these shindigs because of how amazing I am, and the fact that most of my friends are always in some sort of show. Even though really I could be doing something far better then sitting in the APA, I feel that making Andy feel guilty in any way shape or form well worth the hot sickiness.

So back to cleaning,

LOVE YOU ALL BUNCHES!!

It's Happened Again

2007-07-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

There is a reason why i am the way I am.

I'm doing well, finished Harry Potter, and was left with a warm cozy feeling. Then getting ready to leave tomarrow with Andy to the paint his bubble gum pink room. Should have known better, should have stuck with my guns. He calls me today to say that he wants to take the day off, and that he will be going to the apartment next week.

Again I do this is myself, I took tomarrow off for him, I can not take next week off, nor will I be taking next week off. I was never so angery......wait thats a lie, the last time I was this angery I never talked to that person again. I don't want to do that to him, but he's driving me crazy.

I've now come to the conclution that this is why I will never end up with a guy, because it is the males who keep saying they will do something and never do them. I just can't figure out why I keep doing this......jumping hoops for these people who will never do the same for me? Why do I keep causing this pain to myself?

The Pain Never Ends

2007-07-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning with my stomach twisted, in a deep cold sweat.

Yesturday I started worrying about everything that might go wrong with the apartment and moving out. For exsample:

I dont get the purple room....(not a huge deal)
The sex will be all over the place (not a huge deal but im a prude)
I wont get a job going when I get up there
I wont have enough money to pay all the fucking bills
What if i get a job but I dont work enough hours
and what about theatre I need to get TPH but how can i do that and work and stil knit and read, so that I can work on gifts and being happy

WHAT IF GETTING HELP DOESNT WORK?!?! or worst she/he thinks I should go on medication?

what if I move into the house and they all learn I'm really a fucking fruit cake who had low self esteam, who doesn't trust anyone and would rather just sit alone with books and knitting.........

I'm so stressed out, I'm so tired...........*sigh*

enough of this bullshit I'm taking a nap

Raise Your Hand

2007-07-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

Ok everyone......raise your hand if you think I should have the purple room?

thanks you

all I'm going to say is that only a real man could handle pink

cross your fingers!

Coffee!!

2007-07-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm going to post this sucker up, then go to the Sparrow where I will get a tall Mocha Sparrow, because I had a long day....AND its really fucking hot out. Then I'm going to read the book I'm working on right now, because its an AMAZING book, plus I only have it until the 20th. The goal is to finish this book in time for HARRY POTTER!! (EEEEEEE!!!!)

HARRY POTTER i love HARRY POTTER!! I'm going to a party about HARRY POTTER!! but I have to leave early, because I have to work the next day, so I really can't start the book until after work....HARRY POTTER!!

HARRY POTTER!!

I think thats just about sums up whats going on in my life right now......TOOTLES!!

yeah

2007-07-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

Listening to Aunt Linda cough and sneeze because of Cape Cod air, then Uncle Bill begins to talk in his sleep.

I have come to believe that I will be getting another Tattoo because again has I have said before I need something BIG to happen.

Also its nice knowing I'm not alone in this feeling.......

thanks Katie! Your amazing!

A Gathering

2007-07-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

A gathering of old friends

Sitting around a picnic bench, talking about nothing, yet the words still come

I find that I am myself no matter where I am, which is a good thing, but I forget that parents aren't one for my blunt nature.

Come to think of it, my friends aren't used to my blunt nature. Only Nicole, who shakes her head, laughs and quickly changes the subject. (thanks Nicole)

Not only do I have something to do on the 4th of July, but I got to chit chat with a group of friends, just shooting the breeze. Doing one of my favorite pass times.

Thinking about it now, moving Cape Cod, I hope that I can keep this conection, and still meet up with these people.......Just shooting the shit like I did today.

This Is the Seasons I Hate the Most

2007-06-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

I hate Summer.

The air is thick and stale, the weather is hot and muggy. I go from cold air condition to hot, sticky car, where I drive in a hot car, in trafic, sweating, covered in cardboard and dust.

I hate going out, because whats the point, I need to save money, not spend it one gas. Most of my friends are working far beyong anything I work. The tourest are more mean this summer, and the fact that I can't drive out to get away makes me cry at night.

With the air at its thickest, I begin to thinkg of better times, where I could walk around in Jeans and a sweatshirt, being comfortable. Where I could go for a walk, and not feel my skin burning. My uncle Bill will be visiting tomarrow, with family in toe. What gets me is I have no idea when they are leaving......nor what I will have to do this week to keep them entertained. Again the looks of parents because I'm a pathetic person, who wants to perform and read for a living.

People who read this blog...whom ever you are....I need you all to pray, cross your fingers what ever, for this apartment, which would take away the stress......we need this....because we don't need anythig else added to our lives. God I need a break, I need something to keep me going...

I need a hug....but its hot and sticky......and no one is willing to give me one.

I fear

2007-06-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

I fear that I will never feel love
I fear that I will never fall in love....or better yet believe that a person could love me
I fear that Theresa will be able to do things I never could, without even trying
I fear that in 10 years most of my friends will be starting a family, when I work on becoming a nun
I fear with this body i will never be able to love myself
I fear that Mother is right, and I will be an old maid
I fear I'm becoming a prude......heard Theresa talking to her "boyfriend" and it was worst then walking in on my parents
I don't want to lose my friends, but I fear I will
I think I'm scaring off Andy, but its just to prove to my Mom that I'm not being used
I want to work more hours, because I fear I will be broke after one months rent
I have plans, so if we never find a place, at least Andy, Jill and I can live with my widdowed uncle
I hate the way I look going to work
I don't put time in my looks after work.....because whats the use
I have to be friendly with cousins whom I've never met, and fear they won't like me
I don't want to die alone
I really can't lose my friends

If I keep repeating my fears......talking about them....do you think much like telling your dreams to someone that they won't come true?

Ashley I miss you!

right then

2007-06-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight at work I was thinking of the different ways I could do my voice message.

I was also thinking that when I move into "the" apartment which could have a different whole apartment message for different times of the year.

(I know this is pathetic, but I don't talk to people at work, because I work alone, so I think about stupid things)

Heres what I was think for my cell phone

"Hello you've reached of office of Vient Reconstruction, where we make your loved one look better dead then alive. Our secertry must be busy right now, so please leave a short message after the beep and we'll be sure to call you back. Have a nice day, and we're sorry for your lost."

This then got me thinking about how a conversation could go

ME: You just called Vient Reconstruction, where we make your loved one look better dead then alive. What can we do to make this process easy for you?

Person: Yes, well I was hoping you could do something for someone I just lost
ME: Male or Female
Person: Female
ME: Has "she" ever been male during this life time
Person: No.......Why?
ME: In the past it is better to get even the simple questions down, if your family new she was a he sometime in their past, wouldn't you want "her" to be buried the right way. We've had are share of family drama, where the "loved one" was a cross dresser, one side wanted a her, the othe a he. So we find its easier to truely know the sex.
Person: ok.......um....
ME: would you like to know are packages?
Person: Packages?
ME: Yes we have alittle left of the spring package, but the summer package is a great deal. We can have your loved one looking like they spent all day in the sun, to even years in the sun.
Person: I dont know
ME: Normally we could take a picture of your loved one and try to recreate what you have lost.......it all very simple.

This was going on for hours......a little dark and twisted, but at least I was keeping busy.

Its Becoming an Issue

2007-06-20T04:16:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Besides the fact that I am in Hell and Mother hates me, Theresa has taken over my computer. I get in trouble if she's online and she gets pissed when I want to use my computer. Her pass words are saved, she downloaded yahoo messanger.....I dont even want to think about what she could be talking about......

So I'm hiding my computer in different spots so she and Mother can't use it. Because its my computer.

Also I would like to bring forth the following issues
1) I go out the kitchen was clean, she has watermelon I get in trouble
2) Dog pees on the floor she uses my clothes to pick it up, because "i didnt walk the dog"
3) I dont listen to her
4) I dont understand what its like to lose a sister
5) I'm a bitch who only thinks of herself

As the tear quietly run down my face, I turn away from her, Mother dear won't have any clean clothes, because I'm not doing her laundry. I miss Jill and Ashley. When I'm with them I don't feel so useless.

Leaving with a quote that Mother told me
"I still can't believe your still living, Darwin's Theory of life, you'd be dead on the spot."

Thanks Mom

Close My Eyes

2007-06-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Do you think if I close my eyes this summer will go away?

Or I would just leave my body and become someone else?

I knew this would happen......

I wake up every morning wishing I was else where, that I could run across the hall and talk to Ashley, Jill and Laura. That I could just run down stairs to see Emily. I miss the long phone calls with Andy, the IMs with Nicole.

Nothing I do is right, everything I do is wrong......

I'm in hell. Working is fine, but I talk to no one, so my brain gets the better of me, and I go through my life right now, and I just want to end it........

I'm not importent, I have no friends, my family hates me...........I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is listening....worst no one is caring

I need a cold shower to get me out of this funk.....because right now it just keeps getting worst....I'm hating myself more and more.....one day I will be the black hole that I feel like..........

I need help

If I just close my eyes I will no longer see what I don't want to, myself.

AAAGGGHHHH!!!

2007-06-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

Nothing beats a sunday morning then waking up at 6am

I didnt want to get up at this time, but I was forced

I was woken up by a cat chewing on my toe...........then by 7am they're running a muck around the room and house

the way I look at it, is get up and check facebook and see if anybody loves me

no one does

go fucking figure right?

Welcome to Cookie Hell

2007-06-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of summer

the delivery was about an hour late.......the crackers where flying off the shelf

and all I wanted to do was screem at people to get a life and stop eating shit.....i would rather have pinapple then an oreo any day

The thing that gets me with this job is how here I am in the middle of a huge store, with millions of other people around me and yet I feel like the only person on earth. To be around millions of people, and totally alone.........I need people to talk to at night......I'd give people a call but i feel like thats just more heart ache......

*sigh* this is going to be a long summer

ONCE

2007-06-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

People I kid you not....if you have time at all this summer and your looking for something to do, all i can say is you should go to the movies.....AND SEE ONCE!!

Its AMAZING.....and the soundtrack is BEYOND AMAZING!!

GET THE HINT PEOPLE SEE THIS FILM!!!

Can't Do Anything Right

2007-06-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend or as I say last weekend Theresa graduated. It was amazing, Mom didn't cry like she did for me, which made me angery, but Jill came to visit....which helped block the need to shed blood.

I've lost the need to care

reading is no longer what I need it to be, I spend time with old friends from High School and couldn't help but want to tell stories about Salem, which they have no idea about....

I'm stressed and tired....I hate being home....I miss everyone

I try to talk about what I'm feeling and it just gets worst.

But it feels like I can't win this fight, that everything I do, even if its for a good cause is wrong. It gets worst at night, when I think about the day, its a loosing battle, Sharon is dead, Nana and Grumpa came all the way up from Florida, can't spend money, took another wrong turn. I feel small sometimes.

Dooms Day is tomarrow, which adds to the turning of my inside. He's a good person and should be given a better chance. I pray and cross my toes.......if there is a higher power give him a brake please!!

It was like watching someone go towards their death, you can't stop them, you could call and yell, beg for them to stay, but they will leave. As I have said before, we say "See ya later" and never look back.

(On the upside, if something happens I have his computer)

Cant Sleep

2007-06-05T23:40:00.000-07:00

Its 2:40 in the morning and I can't sleep....The Cats are keeping me company

Life sucks....more on this later!

Today While Driving

2007-06-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

So today driving from Shaws in Orleans to Shaws in Harwich I pass the most amazing sight.

On Main Street in Harwich sitting in a chair was an Old Man drinking a Bud and smoking a ciggie. Now this is all well and good, but what made it so amazing was the fact that it couldn't be any later then 11am, and he clearly was on his third Bud. Which lovely people, made me laugh out right in the car driving to work. What I saw made me think of several people too call and let them know what I just saw.....then thought it would be better to just let the world know through this here blog.

I just think that Old Man had it right, and I can't wait for the day when I can sit on the front lawn, watching trafic, smoking and drinking at 11 in the morning. Old Man where ever you might be right now, piss assed drunk, with a cigarete in one hand, a can of beer in the other.....you are my hero!

The Heat

2007-06-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I blame the heat for this.....

come home, Mom gets on my back about something I did wrong

Theresa and Mom start yelling at each other about something stupid

Dad comes in pissed off at work

I'm sore, sweaty and wishing for Fall to come again, when I could be with friends, the air is crisp and cool.

Its the heat that caused problems

I'm ready to move away.......but the heats gonna be the same any where I am

Going On A Picnic

2007-05-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

Im going on a picnic

I dont know when or where or with who, but I am going to on a picnic

Im thinking I might go on several picnic, in several different places around the Cape with several different people.

Oh man Oh MAN!! I'm so taking YOU on a picnic! Just call me or let me know on facebook when YOU want to do this.

In other News, as you all know I am a vendor at several different stores in the middle/outer Cape. Well because I mostly work on my own, I get alot of thinking done, which is nice I guess, but when I'm thinking I guess I make a face, normally what I'm thinking comes out on my face, whether its something funny or angery thats what is seen. So I've been working on thinking something angery, but still have a neutral face. I'm thinking it might right now make me looking like I have gas or something, but if I keep working on it then hopefully I will have the perfect poker face..........

its still a work in progress

This Ones For You Nicole

2007-05-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today I met Andy's friend Alex. She was amazing, and since he had a date she and I went to Chatham and spent some real quaility time together. It was weird

Other news, working hard or hardly working, I haven't been up to much, which is why I haven't been writing much. I put up cookies and crackers, then I come home and work on the bathroom. This is my summer, which sucks, but its what happens with your friends are working when your not, or your working when they're not.

I miss being in Salem, where Ashley, Jill and Emily laugh at the stupid thing we did, or just running down the hall in my towel to talk about the shit that happens when your girl. I love my family don't get me wrong.....but I think my mother is losing it.

So thats my life, working, bathroom and going nuts here. I need contact, Andy and I have a afternoon on Monday, if there are others who would like to see me IM NOT WORKING AT NIGHT!!!

*sigh* Nicole I'm all out of artsy ideas right now...maybe ill write something more up lifting and creative tomarrow

Watching the Graduates

2007-05-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

In the next few weeks Theresa is going to graduate. Today was the awards night and I couldn't help but think back two years ago when I was the same as her, waiting for my sliver cord. Unlike my class there was no Emily, which was upsetting, and even though Theresa's class is the largest going through Nauset, I'd say only about 10% where there for awards.

This all got me thinking about the next generations. How these kids still look like kids, even though they feel like adults. Boys and girls I remember back when they were in Elementry school, still look the same, if just more filled out and taller.

It will never end, my age will be a consent reminder of how old I'm getting. When Theresa gets her dimploma, it will be my last time having to go to Nauset, and though I had great memories, I don't feel like I'm truely going to miss it.

I like Salem State far more then Nauset...and thats what will keep me happy.

Two Little Kittens

2007-05-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have two little kittens now living in my house

pink collar is Salem, the one is the black is Lucky

My Dad keeps yelling at me because they keep messy up the "new" chairs, they keep messy up and climbing around.

Did I mention that it was my Mother who got these little bundles of joy....that they will most likely not be coming with me to college, but staying here in this house, which I'm moving out in come September.

They're cute, black cats, Lucky and Salem. They sleep more then I do, and try to figure out everything that is going on in this crazy house. Lucky as already begun to purr, Salem likes to curl into my neck to sleep.

This summer is begining already, Theresa will be a graduate, I'll be moving out, hopefully with the cats in toe.

Ashley about the moving out thing: Take your pictures, find your lost tresures, make sure then you have all your memories. Moving out and away is never easy, but it is a part of life. I say take your door knob and remember the times that you and your family shared there. Because it is not the house which is the home, it is the family that lives in the house that make it a home. (God that was so wise and cheesy....ASHLEY SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH ME!!!)

Without This Connection

2007-05-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Without this connection I think I would be lost

to float in a sea of confusion, to bring further out of my mind

I miss having someone to talk to.......

and I fear that calling people would just further this lonelines

Friends I miss you.........call me......we should go out to the movies.....or a cup of coffee

I need something to look forward to......I've lost the love of reading

Hot and Sticky

2007-05-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

it seems that summer is here, with out much of a spring.

I hate summer!

Summer means, I get hot and sticky, dealing with tourest, running around making sure Theresa gets to work on time. I hate summer, because I rarely get to go to the beach, because I don't have time. I was lucky enough to get Fridays off, so I can go spend time at the beach with Mom.

I never do what I want to do....I'm fucking 21 do you think I will get invited to any parties? Nope....or that I will be spending time with a shit load of friends?.....NOPE!!

Andy: "I'll call you so you and I can hang out."
Me: "Why?...I'm really boring"
Andy: "you said not me"

Of course I want to have fun this summer, and I wil make the most of it, but I will be counting the day until September, when the days will be shorter, the air cool and crisp....and I will be back here, with my school friends.

Drunk People

2007-05-05T02:01:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me know that I love watching people.

I could spend hours, days even just sitting, watching how people react, respond. I can make up short stories, even figure out how someone really feels about someone, just through watching. Taking in what is around me.

Tonight when working the desk I watch several different people stumble back and forth between inside and outside, drunk as skunks. What I love is how quickly a person can change with just one drink. A person who you rarely know will be your best friend in a matter of minutes. Someone who doesn't know your name, is willing to drop everything just for a hug.

Now understand that today I am in a pretty good mood, and these wonderful drunk people have yet to piss me off, so all is good. But not all drunks are fun, I have had my share of angery drunks, which beyond fearing my life and others, seem to just need a swift kick in the ass.

Next year I will not longer be working at the front desk, which is wonderful and sad at the same time. I'm going to miss the young males who tend to travel in groups far more then the females. Who walk around getting laid. To the girls who are just as bad. The study freak who still hasn't learned to let loose. I will miss the tears, the drama, the endless changes. It's interesting how a class can change, but its really all the same.

I will be moving into an apartment, where I won't have to worry about having beer in the fridge, where I won't have to sign people in, I can have a pet (cats) and be able to be some what adult. I'm fearing and ready for the change. I have to say that it will be fun and entertaining. I don't think Andy, EmLav or Jill know what their getting into, but it will be an laid back apartment, that will always be laughing at something.

But I will miss working the desk, living with Ashley and Laura. Being able to walking drunk freshmen try to find what they really want, a place to be who they really are.

I'm watching as these people try to fit into adulthood.....it helps me not feel so alone.

No Call Backs For Me

2007-05-03T00:50:00.000-07:00

Today was auditions.

And I thought I kicked ass....which just means I know nothing about what kicks ass or not.

I didn't get a call back...which is fine, what ever, wasn't what they were looking for....

But I really wanted to be in Antigone.......

*fingers crossed* I still wish the best to people who did get a call back!

FAILED!!

2007-05-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

How does one deal with failure?

Do you let it eat you up, consume you?

Or dust your self off and get right back on again?

Do you give up? Or keep trying?

I can't talk to my parents, none of my friends have called me back. I don't want sympathy or guilt or saddness. I have auditions tomarrow, I have everything ready...but I don't care, I'm going home soon to be with my family before Theresa leaves, before I move out...but I don't care.

There are moments when I wish I was different. That I wasn't me, that I was smarter, pretty, wise...

I'm sorry

There are times when I am so happy being me, yet others when all I think about are my faults.

I am not afraid of the dark, spiders, rats, large dogs or clowns. If I was to die today or tomarrow, I would be more upset for my friends and family, but I am not afraid of death, I am not afraid to try new things, to take risks. I might not like to drive or go fast, but I can and will if I need to...

I am afraid of failure...I am afraid of the unknown...I am afraid of being alone...I am afraid of change...

I am giving myself a stomach ache, I have gained three more white hairs, I have gained ten more pounds...

My support system is crumbling around me...

*sigh*

I am tired beyond my years....................."To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub:/For in that sleep of death what dreams may come" Hamlet

Sad Right?

2007-04-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

its sad right to post twice in one day?

I need a break from my brain.......

hoping for a better day tomarrow....maybe then I'll be completely packed, and more happy about going back to Cape Cod

*sigh*

yeah I need a vakay from myself

Can you do that for me?

packing up

2007-04-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

At this time my walls are blank, boxes are full, my closet is baren, my drawers are cleared. Just a few more things to put away, and this year will be packed away until sometime in August.

Im going to the Cape (which will no longer be my home) on May 11th. The summer holds nothing for me, but work and plans of the fall. (And going through 21 years of memorize, taking what I can, the rest going into the basement)

It's sad I'm not looking forward to the next four months

Will I be getting a phone call or a visit from you?

................................................................................................I'm not holding my breathe

One Of Those Amazing Weekends

2007-04-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend was one of those amazing weekend, where you want to call everyone, just to tell them what you did.

with fake fishing

picnics on the common

going to Marblehead with the goal of ice cream

trying to find a bike rack

Here I am, looking out to the sea, smell of sweat and dirt, tasting salt on the air. Wishing I could have everyone one I love feel the way I feel, listening to the sound of the waves crash into the rocks. Knowing my lips are burnt, my nose is covered with freckles, happy.....truely happy.

Yet when I call home, I am downed with the facts of the summer. "I had an amazing weekend Mom, I rode my bike to Marblehead. It was AMAZING!!" "Thats great! I'm glade you had fun....your father and I are fighting. I need someone to fix the bathroom, the house is a wreck, Theresa is graduating soon....your coming home....do you have a job for the summer?"

*sigh*

I had an amazing weekend, I was so happy, just sitting at the water edge.

Yet how is it when telling others of my happiness, I feel guilty?

These Are The Days

2007-04-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

That Jamie Cullum song

When looking back at these years at Salem State, its these moments, going to a flea market

Emily eating lunch in her pilgrim garb

books, so meny books

Picnics in the central of Salem

Ice coffee and razzleberry ice cream

listening to the waves, with the wind in are faces

After today as I curled up in my bed with the newest book, which was added to my extensive library, I couldn't help but smile, at my burnt shoulders, my sunkissed cheeks, the smell of sunscreen, dirt and salt. And the taste of peach gummy rings and turkey with cheese sandwich.

"These are the days that I've been missing
Give me the taste, give me the joy of summer wine.
These are the days that bring new meaning,
I feel the stillness of the sun...and I feel fine"

Puddles Dry Up

2007-04-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

As the puddles begin to dry up, and the grass becomes a wonderful sheet of bright green, I can't help but think that how much I wish the semister could just end. That I could read my palm, find out that next year will be better, that everything will turn out fine, everything works out the way it should.

With looking for apartments, moving out of Cape Cod, taking out loans for my education. Moving in with Andy, Emily and maybe someone else. Making sure everyone is happy. Worried that after three days of living with me, they move out, and I'm all alone in this dark could world.

There are some big steps coming up for me.....there are paths that I need to choose to take.....I can no longer look to my parents for help. I'm going up, becoming an adult.

*sigh*

I'm not ready for it